A Joke or two for the Long Weekend

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. 
That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young
Lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

THEN AGAIN, I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE…………..

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (   UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of   Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into   Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the   Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (   USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is  
Oh forget it. Sure, the   Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful. 

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. 

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 

'Wedding Cake.'

May 18 Garbage Golf Results

Hey - wasn't it a great day? 51 out!

Seriously - aside from the indescribable unknowable, unfathomable scoring system 

- wasn't it a great day

- let's all throw the organizer in the pond next time out!

He sort of played the crowd after by appealing 

to our democratic? option to go for Texas Scramble 

rather than what every right minded golfer needs -

Ugly ball with black balls and gold dots for Angus Gouthro 

- doesn't the organizer realize that that's what we all wanted! 

HE HE HE!

Sounds like Dave is trying to pull a Christy Clark with the HST!

Now in Weldon Steele 

- last Thursday the dynamic duo of Erwin Nyfeler 

and Ken Robertson managed to win 1 out of 3 points 

which is 100 per cent more than those won by Bob Helfrich 

and Ron (Token Canadian?) Hayward. 

( Honestly they tried hard but tough to beat a 75 year old who nets 59!)

This was against Shuswap Lake Estates!

We sort of all felt like this after the affair!

However due to Bob's, Ron's, Erwin's and Jorgen's great play last week 

we managed to eke out a 1/2 point victory overall!

Whew! 

This week Don Ozubko, Rob Egan, Dana Skoberg, and Rick Baker take on Kamlooops here on Thursday and next week there on Thursday - good luck guys!

Don Puhach managed to sneak in a Mexican Peso for a Loonie at check-in 

but the ever vigilant Dave Hay 

was up to that old rascal's tricks and managed to give it back and 

get the proper change from the bandit! 

Now if he will only pay me the $4 that I overpaid this week!

We paid out $10 a deuce as there were 5 deuces this week - two by Skoberg? 

Huh? 

The others were by Mark Bigon?, John Dumont (only thing he did all day!) 

and Erwin Nyfeler (he thought it was a soccer practise!)

Now to the real game - garbage golf!

In 6th place was Sal Harms group!

Sal, Heather, Dana and that old reprobate Dan Watt were keen to collect their $10 bucks!

Tied for 4th and 5th spot were the teams of:

 Bev, Barry, and Laurel! 

Then came:

Mary, Gerry, Ed (How the heck did he win again?) and Mel  

- hey we were too good to you guys last week

- give it a rest and let someone else win!

In 3rd spot was the group of:

Dave, oops senior moment! Forgot! somebody give me the lady's name please, Dave and John.

Then roaring into second place was the fine? group of:

Jorgen, Myrtle and Art. 

Their fourth left due to personal embarrassment!

And ta da - the numero uno group this week was - you know the prat that organized this thing - they read the rule where groups of three play two balls and so they all did and that's why they won!

How Ozubko and Pockett can face themselves in the morning after pulling 

this trick on all of us is beyond contemplation 

- of course the organizing prat took all the money and ran!

Some other erstwhile and nondescript groups were out on the course today and even the team with Freddy Freeloader's scoring skills was unable to win so it shows you that adding two subtracting four and doing a pi r squared really pays off!

Brenda, Jumping Jack Flash, Go fish, and Ken were awful (ly) close to winning 

doesn't that count for something?

Molloy, Tiger chasing lady, and creampuff were also somewhere on the course!

Freddie Freeloader, the old latin lover, John and his shorts and Del were also on the course.

The bright flash is the reflection off John's winter white legs!

 

Mark, Can't get no respect, Token Canadian, and Pooch were also messes on the course.

Mark, Lorraine, Rick and Karen played very slowly but painfully as well!

Mr Torts is us, Carol? and Bill (Just call me Sandy!) were here - she who falls from Grace was also around but had to leave for a hot yoga treatment.

Last and least was the almost ravishing team of Ley, Wayne, Linc and 

that old dimplefaced ****  is going to get hit real hard were also

in play but not scoring well!

I managed to take a shot of Jen and Wayne raking in the cash in the pro shop!

 And just to show you that Dumont actually played to-day

here he is about to take a 5 on number 15!

So it looks like Texas Scramble next week 

- file your spikes and get ready to get to grips with 

your opponents!

8:30 AM is the start time!
You might have to click on Olive to see the action!

A Retirement Joke courtesy of Rick Baker!

One day a man decided to retire...

 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
 
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 
  
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.     
  In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
  So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house. 
    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" 
  Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
 "This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?" 
  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
 "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"  She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "You've built a Golf Course ?" 

May 18 Garbage golf to you too!

The powers that be have decreed that we will be playing "garbage" golf this week!

This according to the Einstein of Golf Games (AKA Dave "Crash" Hay!) is how it works!

EAGLE POINT SENIORS GOLF
Wed May 18  9 AM Shotgun Start!
“Garbage”
Team Game
·    All Players play their own ball from tee thru green.
·    On top of card record each players gross score.            
·    On bottom of card, on each hole, using players “strokes”, record the total points for the team as follows:
·    1 pt for net bogie
·    2 pts for net par
·    3 pts for net birdie
·    4 pts for net eagle
·    5 pts for net double eagle
·    Add up the total of “garbage” points after 18 holes for team total
·    3-somes take turns playing two balls

And according to the same self appointed prat here is how a score card would look!

If you can figure this out then you are another wizard!

This is what should happen to guys that make up these rules!

                                             
                                           
                                           
                                           

May 11 Results of 1-2-3 Low net - What the?

Fifty-six out today - a record 

- Larry Sill was unable to golf cause so many showed up 

and at the end he was without a group to go with so actually there were 57 out 

- great stuff! 

15 Ladies and Shirley were out! 

Oh and Shirley Wicklund shot a DEUCE in case you didn't know it yet!

Did you hear the good news today? Shirley shot a DEUCE in case she hasn't told you yet!

HE HE HE

 

These other low lifers were also on the course and managed to score $5 deuces too!

Dave Barker, Dave Assmus, Dave Hampton, and Sal Harms!

Sometimes don't you wish you could do this to the Deuce winners?

Apparently the Ladies Ina Guile Team was out at Sunshore last week 

and they were absolutely thrashed about 38 1/2 to 33 1/2

- what can you do?

The Men's Weldon Steele team hosted Shuswap Lake this past Thursday

and you know the guys don't ever (hardly ever) let you down! 

They took 5 1/2 points out of a possible 6  and that goes to prove something?

Tomorrow they are up against Shuswap at Shuswap and  Robertson is taking Sveistrup's place 

so he hopes there are some big coattails to ride to a victory on!

Now to the results of 56 people playing 1-2-3 Low Net 

- first hole you score the lowest net,

next hole you score the 2 lowest nets 

and the 3rd hole you score the three lowest nets. 

Then you  add them all up

and hope that Fred Hamarlund has done your scoring for you 

cause you always win when Freddie adds them up!

Two teams were tied for 8th spot and got $20 a team!

Bill ( I's got some sand caught between me toes!) Brown, John Winder?, 

the ever Divine Laurel, 

and Barry (Did you guys really drink my Deuce money?) Hill.

As you can see Ley MacMillan was almost asleep at the switch, 

Mark Nadler was sure they would have won had they used his scores, 

Gerry Campbell is seeking an appeal 

and Erwin Nyfeler is thinking that Swiss Pastries aren't so bad after all!

Then we move right along to 6th place.

 Bob Helfrich, Dave Assmus, Flavio Facchin and Freddie Freeloader were quick to collect their money before somebody checked Freddie's scoring again!

Then we had two teams tied for 5th spot.

Bev McIntosh and Tave Dandy managed to drag home John Dumont and John French.

As you can see Dumont wasn't really into the game 

and French should have kept reeling them in but instead they played golf!?

Dave Bacon, Karen King, and Lorraine Zimmer managed to get Ozubko before he got to the bar and  unlike last week he was stone cold sober to face the golfing Gods today - apparently last week's picture got him in trouble on the home front! Good! He He He!

 As you can see when Ozubko is driving anything is possible!

Now we get down to the really good golfers who were out on the course today!

In Third spot was the foursome of:

 Linc Cadogan, Jorgen or Jon Sveistrup or Smith, Rob (Mr. Cool is back!) Egan and the ever patient Myrtle Cadogan.

They were able to invest in a real hot vehicle with their winnings and wandered on home!

In Second place only cause they didn't have the fine talents of Freddie Freeloader to do their scoring was the team of:

Del Macready (shot a 90!), 

Pooch, 

Mr. He He He (Shot an 89 and got a 4 on 14 Net 3!) 

and Dave (I branged my D game to the course today!) Hampton.

They loved posing for their formal picture after the event! 

Not sure who wore the dress?

Now the clouds part, the trumpets blare, the sun shines and here are the Number One Premier Group this week!

Deuces are wild was there, Ed (How the hell did he make it again?) Velestuk, 

and new to the group so we had to let them win were 

Mel (Old hometown boy!) Cassidy

and his charming daughter Mary!

 The very coveted Senior Token of the week was WON? by Lorraine Zimmer. 

She managed to finagle to be closest to the pin in the sand box on Hole #4  

- congratulations! 

We think!

There were some charming other groups out on the course today!

Angus ( I tell you man I'm gonna hit that dimple faced *****! Real Hard!) Gouthro, Gloria Tewnion, Jack (Flash) Mathews, and some police dog handler that got lost on the way to work! (Claimed he had to keep an eye on Angus!)

Gloria apparently lead this group through a special maze that was built just for her!

He He He - the pain I'll suffer will be worth it!

Also ran out of the park and off the course today was this charming group!

Dave (yes he is scared of a little pussy! 

See Wednesday, July 21, 2010 if you don't believe me!) 

Barker,

Doug (I've got a hole in my!) Pockett, Ron (Ain't I pretty today!?) Hayward, and Callaway lost it's investment potential when they let Charlie Molloy wear their hat!

This could be a better game for these guys to play!

They were accompanied by this group!

 Arlene (How the heck did Pooch win? He better get the carpet cleaned before I get home!) Sahlstrom, Art and Sal Harms (she said the link would work and I let you be the judge!) and Heather Heron.

 They took losing real hard and even Jacques didn't want to stop them on the way home!

This group of charmers were also wuzzes on the course today!

The Tiger lady was in full form and Dave (Crash) Hay was there - 

Campbell who loves getting his picture was around the course 

but mostly asleep at the switch 

and Brian Whitehead was allowed by his mommy to ride his motorbike up to the course

(on the premise that he probably would get lost on the way home!) 

was there too but he hates his picture being taken 

- notice he gets really red eyed about it!

These two groups seemed to appear like a mirage now and then 

- did they play on the course or what!?

They refused to answer questions about their results - for good reason apparently -

heavy drinking was the order of the day for them!

Jack (I have shot a 78 don't you know!) Angstad, Bill Brown, 

Dana (The real gorilla!) Skoberg and the ever charming

Ferne Gosselin were here today!

So was this group of great sports

- what one they played today was hard to tell!

Ron ( If I knew my Tort from your assets!) Watson, 

Rick ( I hit the ball long and I hit the ball straight but never at the same time!) Baker, 

Terry ( I am sure I heard the Umpire call it a foul ball?) Haines

and yes she did - she fell from Grace!

This was how their game went!

So remember be here by 8:30 AM on Wednesdays, bring your wives or girlfriends 

- not both dummy 

and pay your six bucks and be happy everyone gets to laugh at you 

- you aren't that damn good you know!