A Joke or two for the Long Weekend

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. 
That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young
Lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

THEN AGAIN, I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE…………..

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (   UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of   Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into   Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the   Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (   USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is  
Oh forget it. Sure, the   Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful. 

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. 

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 

'Wedding Cake.'